Posts Tagged ‘ Thoughts ’

What am I thinking? Why do I feel the need to correct misconceptions inflicted upon people who choose to have Gastric Bypass Surgery (a.k.a. stomach stapling). Yet, here I go. Like a fat lamb to the slaughter I will try to make the world listen. Admittedly, I am weary of being judged. Thus, I will vainly ask you to forget what you may have assumed. For just a few moments, dare to see the world from my view.

Have you ever thought about why the mere mention of Gastric Bypass Surgery causes superiority to ooze out from every pore of ‘fit’ society? We have all seen it. A Diet Guru, a News Anchor or a Talk Show Host will say, “Next we are going to meet Barbie Beautiful who lost half her body size.” Then they add, “without pills or surgery.” There is always a slightly judgmental tone in their voice. Those of us who are jaded, scar-heavy veterans of bulge battles inevitably hear this as, “Next we are going to meet someone we know is better than you.” Then they add, “If you can’t do it their way – wow do you ever bite!”

I can’t help buy wonder, why don’t we ever hear things such as a Talk Show Host announce, “Next we are going to meet Paul Bunyan who recently recovered from falling completely through a running wood chipper.” No doubt they would then add, “He healed fairly well without seeking any antibiotics or medical attention. Ask yourself this. What would you think? “Good job Paul!” Or, like me, would you scream, “For the love of God man! Why wouldn’t you have sought medical help? You fell completely through a running wood chipper!” You see, sometimes not asking for help tiptoes along the border of stupidity.

What is it about obesity that reverses logic? What gives normally respectable people some special license to judge, slander, insult and humiliate us? If I had a failing kidney would the guy in line behind me at the C-Store say, “Hey kidney failing bitch hurry up and quit blocking the register?” Not without a liberal beat-down from the other customers. But call me a fat bitch and giggles are the societal norm.

Like any other person whose body may be failing them in some way or another, I am fighting back hard. Unfortunately, like many, I am loosening the fight. There is NO easy out. It may be my mind, my chemistry, my genetics or a perfect storm of all these complex issues which has committed me to a lifetime of being at war with my own body. Just like a person whose organs, brain, bone-marrow and/or antibodies are failing them, it is not for someone else to condemn any casualty of Natures idiosyncrasies. So, before reading my hodgepodge of thoughts further, please remind yourself to check your preconceived notions at the door.

Now I am not saying that there aren’t people who are overweight because they are indeed lazy, eat junk, and/or generally fail to rise to life’s challenges. Excuses for any failure are abundant in this world. But to judge everyone by one measure when we are each so very different is wrong. Diversity is a gift, not a crime.

Some of us who are fat will rise up and overcome the issue forever? Those like me will rollercoaster through decades – lost decades. Still others will never taste success. Laziness or seeking and easy fix does not apply to every fat person anymore than mental illness is to blame for every homeless person. Issues causing obesity vary. Every one is different. Every ‘body’ is different.

Don’t be so sure that all overweight people brush their teeth with red meat and potato chips each morning before couch surfing their day away. I for one spend a minimum of 5 mornings a week at the gym. And yes, I know how to properly exercise. A literal butt-load of calories go the way of the dodo before work. Beyond oodles of cardio, I absolutely dig weightlifting. Seventy five percent of Americans do not work out, yet I am judged to be lazy. Hmm?

As for eating healthy foods, if stacked properly, the contents of my refrigerator would look like a shrine to Dr. Oz. In my kitchen, raw foods, antioxidants and omega 3’s flow like the butter and gravy inside a country farm house. Processed foods and most meats make my stomach churn with disgust.

Although my diet improves with each passing year, my weight does not. My current 30 lb rollercoaster range rolls along like an “E Ticket Ride” gone mad. While I’ve lost large chunks of weight in the past, like so many others I have gained it back and more, so very much more. No approach beats the test of time. I have tried dozens of different diets and every physiological gimmick de jour. I’ve used, and frequently abused, most magical diet pills – prior to them being banned by the FDA.

The mental stress of a lifetime of failure is the icing on the nonexistent, uncraved cake of my life. These failures have no doubt weakened my resolve. For who would fight a bloody battle for land they always give back- two fold – the following year?

While ‘they’ now say you can be fat and healthy, I suspect a fat person subsidized that study. I often notice how few morbidly obese 70 plus year old skydivers I see running around town. I for one love to live life to the fullest. Despite my satirical musings and disgruntled persona, I am disgustingly happy and enjoy the little things, the big things and all things between. Just calling myself healthy while still dying young – not my gig! Thanks anyway.

For me weight loss is not a pursuit of vanity. That ship has sailed. It is a pursuit of life and all that life has to offer. I need years more years to savor it all. Be it more animal rescue work, further books to bring laughter, frivolously chasing my secret dream of trekking to the Mountain Gorillas or simply relaxing in a lawn chair without fear of furniture malfunction, I want it all. No apologies.

There you have it. Fear of dying too young, the desire to do more good, occasional loneliness and wanting to chase athletic/healthy endeavors should be the ultimate motivation for any person to loose weight. Who could not take on the world with these inspirations? I see your point. It sounds so obvious. Anybody should be able to overcome anything when the threat of death is put on the table. But, that is my point. It is not yours to use.

For whatever reason I have not been able to overcome this problem – even under the threat of my impending death. In the face of these monumental inspirations I still fail. I try. I fight, but I fail. Perhaps life has carved me from a different piece of stone. Not every ‘body’, not every mind is the same. We are each carved out of unique life experiences and a mixed-brew of genetics. Why would someone judge me for needing medical help to save my own life, just because they themselves drew a different card?

It’s funny how we pass judgment on select differences, yet embrace others. Some of us run marathons, others sprint. Some love to ride horses, others play bridge. Some can quit smoking, some fail. Some can diet and win, others . . . not so much.

I am stuck. Like a skipping record my life repeats. I wake up each morning knowing that this is the day I will begin in earnest to change my body and my physical life. My transformation is at hand! I will fight! I will win! At night I lay down as a failure. During the hours before a new dawn, I hear my voice over and over. It says I will die young. I will die soon. The life I love will end early. It is true. People will soon look down upon a rather large box containing my ashes and say, “it is a shame that she never ‘just’ lost the weight.” There will be a slightly judgmental tone in their voices.

Perhaps the slow wheels of misperception would begin to turn if people who are able to afford Gastric Bypass Surgery did not hide in shame. Why would they? Brave souls must open weight loss surgery up for discussion and educate others. For those with first hand experience can always do more to teach than any book-smart person.

Nowadays woman flaunt their breast implant with salacious pride. Superficiality is their tiara. Commercials for KY and Erectile Dysfunction products flood the airways. Yet celebrities and ordinary folk alike hide having had a life saving operation. Why? It is just Weight Loss Dysfunction. And, just like a good boob job the result can also be aesthetically pleasing. Nonetheless, people needing assistance to lose weight are publicly adjudicated, bombarded with scorn and force-fed shame. Society’s real shame is this ‘virtual-flogging’ of any soul who has shown courage by admitting they need help.

If I do live long enough to have Weight Loss Surgery, I plan on hiring a marching band to escort me through town in a little black dress. In one hand I’ll carry a sign saying, “Body Brought to You by Bypasses R Us!” My free hand will be tossing out business cards for the surgeon who has helped save my life. This spectacle will not result from pride in my failures. It will rise out of a desire to show the world that there is no disgrace in using every tool in your arsenal to rise up and live. Fight for your life. There is no shame in doing so!

Yes, I am aware that some bypass patients gain back weight in time. I am batting 280% “gain back” at the moment, so I’ll get over the worry of; maybe, possibly, someday . . . I also know the odds of dying from surgery. It is insignificant to living each day with a 95% certainty that I will be die within the next few years. Both issues combined are 100% better than knowing on my death bed that I have left my son without his mother and did not try every option available to stay around and vex him interminably.

So what is stopping me from achieving weight loss? After all we have established that I exercise regularly, am a health food junkie and have a freakin’ sunny outlook on life. My problem is no mystery. It is portion control. How benign and simplistic that sounds. Diet Gurus and TV Docs drop the term ‘portion control’ as if they received royalties for its overuse. If only it were so easy.

Many believe there are two to ways to feel. You are either hungry or full. Unfortunately there are three was to feel. There is hungry, whatever and full. “Whatever” is that cruel no-man’s-land between fullness and hunger? Full I can beet hands down. When I am full, my focus is on life, work . . . Food becomes a non-issue. Hunger I can not beet. I am dizzy, weak, sick feeling and powerless. Sure I should be able to endure this in exchange for life, but for whatever reason, tremors, lightheadedness and occasionally passing out cold . . . win. I apologize.

However, my real problem is that blasted Whatever Zone. I need to feel full to not eat. The weakness and powerless nature of true hunger is to be avoided. In addition, I focus too much of my thoughts on food when I am just ‘whatever’ and not full. Simply being ‘not hungry’ is not enough. I can not say why. I will not insult other by trying to explain further what I myself can not put into proper words. The fact remains, even with the absence of junk food cravings or even true hunger I have a weak spot. “Whatever” is my Achilles’ Heal.

So, here I am. I need a feeling of actual fullness in order to not eat. Currently this results in eating oversized portions. This is why I sincerely believe Gastric Bypass would be a useful tool in helping me with weight loss. I’d feel full after eating less, which would compliment my healthy food choices and exercise regime. Why would anyone think poorly of others for needing such a simple last little bit of help?

If individuals could feel for one day the anguish I internalize at having such a socially unacceptable health problem, I am convinced there would be donation buckets for me next to every cash register in town. Just as folks do for a neighbor who has cancer or needs a heart bypass (also frequently caused by poor eating habits), the community would rally. But even right now most of you feel that is a ridiculous comparison, because judging fat people is innate in American society and in that one way I fear most everybody is not so different after all.

So, if you still must look down on all of us fabulous, but floundering, mixed-up people needing weight loss surgery, I can say no more to try and change the way in which you choose to view this weighty issue. Find me as you will. Like this essay my struggle and emotions are all over the board. But, never say I am “taking the easy way out”. There is nothing easy about the choice of seeking medical help. Years of struggle and painful failure have drug me kicking and screaming to this place. It is true. For me weight loss surgery may likely be an unachievable fantasy, but those who receive this opportunity deserve your understanding, not your distain. Hire them a marching band.