Hi…wait that’s to boring to start a conversation, that’s how everyone starts off introducing themselves, but as a human race that’s what were good at, following the ‘trend’, so Hi…my name is William Zachary Cannon given to me by birth from my mother. I don’t get why children are force with names they haven’t even chosen for themselves, we should all get temporary names until were 5 years old or any age where we reach some sense to pick our own name. Its not fair to be label something where you had no say in, so yeah my birth name is William, but I go by Chase, its how I feel..I feel like a Chase. Whoever doesn’t like it can suck dry turkey balls for all I care.
“William!.” My mom yelled while opening my door angry. “Didn’t you hear me calling you?”
“No.” I said laying on my bed trying to block her out with the music playing from my ipod.
“Well, I wanted to tell you that Ill be late again tonight, I have a date.” She smiled putting her hands on her hips.
“Okay mother have fun with lucky guy number 78.” I said sarcastically.
“That’s not funny, and clean up your room would you.” She said closing the door.
That’s my mom, and no that’s not her actual face, she actually done botox, face lifts, you name she did it, she can hardly hold emotion anymore, and she makes nothing get in between her men and her two pair of fake silicon double Ds. This was the usually Sunday night where she would go out on dates with various men, she dated so many men that when I wake up in the morning to go to the bathroom I don’t even flinch when I see a stranger sitting on the towel.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” A man said embarrass. “I didn’t know anyone else lived here. He smiled while I just washed my hands without looking at him and then left closing the door.
Many men walk in and out the door of my house, I don’t interact with them, I never seen the same guy twice so whats the point. I excepted the fact that my mom was a whore, it took a while, I use to sugar coat it and say that shes just a woman who happens to love sex..alot, its not just the sex she loves, she loves the money..I guess that makes her a prostitute. But many women are whores to me, whether is sex or not. Women can be whores to society, whores to religion, or even whores to their jobs. Whatever takes up most of your time, and you dedicate yourself to basically. I don’t even know my dad because of her, she doesn’t remember who she slept with to conceive me. How can a mother be so selfish, she never even tried to find out, I didn’t even try myself, he was just another guy she brought home who happened to get her pregnant. I’m sure he doesn’t even know I exist and sometimes Its better that way.
“Hello.” I said answering the phone.
“Hello Mr. Cannon?”
“Yeah?”
“This is Cheries Babysitting Center, Emma is ready to be picked up.”
“Alright.” I hunged up.
How can I forget to mention my sister, shes 6 and her name is Emma, shes the reason I have a job, so she can be somewhere other than home. With all the men coming and going in my house I don’t trust her around them. Many guys are pervertive sick fucks, and I would defiantly kill someone if they touched her. Also I don’t want her to see what are mother truly was. Emma knows her dad, his name is Jack. He was actually our mothers longest relationship…4 months. He comes over sometimes to pick her up, other than that I’m all she has. Even though hes in the middle of fighting for custody of her, he’s married now with 3 children, and they all live in the classic white house picket fence, not one strand of dead grass in the yard, perfect flowers, happiness. I do believe shes better living with him.
“Hey, I’m here to pick up Emma Johnson.” I said at the counter of the day care.
“Ah yes, shes sitting in room 108, straight down to the right.” A lady said smiling.
“Thanks.” I walked towards the room and saw her sitting down playing with her doll. “Hey Em.” I said smiling.
“Chase!!!.” She looked up smiling and ran over and hugged my legs.
“Hey, you had fun today?” I held her hand.
“Yeah, we were painting today, I painted a sun.”
“Oh really, who was the mother?”
“No.” She said giggling. “the sun, that’s in the sky.” I smiled and walked her to the car, I fasten her seat-belt and went back into the driver seat. “I’m hungry.”
“Really? they didn’t feed you?”
“Just crackers and cheese.”
“Bastards.” I said low and I saw Emma mouth dropped from the rear view mirror. “Sorry Em, so what do you want to eat?” I said smiling at her reaction.
“um..CAKE!.” She said cheesing.
“Cake it is.” I pulled up in front of the grocery store and parked. I came out and opened her door and we both walked in. “What kind of cake do you want?”
“Chocolate.”
“Okay.” I looked through some cakes and brownies on the shelf.
“I want to buy the mix, I want to bake it myself.” She said smiling.
“But these are already made Em.”
“So, I want to make it.” She frown.
“Fine, and fix your face before it stays like that, go get the mix you want, its straight down there.” She smiled and ran away. I stood there with my hands in my pocket and glance up to see her running back.
“Here.”
“This is lemon.”
“I changed my mind.” I nodded and walked to the counter.
“8.99″ The casher said, I reached into my pocket and pulled out 6 singles, I search my other pocket and found 2 dollars in change.
“You got any change Em?” She shook her head. “Uh I only have 8 dollars.” I told the lady.
“Well its 8.99″
“Well I got the majority amount, I’ll pay you back.”
“I’m sorry sir, but its 8.99.”
“Alright…Look I live around here, I can pay you pack tomorrow.”
“I don’t -”
“Fine ill pay you back tonight.”
“I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Its just 99 cent less!” I said sternly.
“I know but I cant-”
“The girl wants cake look at her!.” Everyone in the grocery store stared as the lady looked at Emma who looked worried. “The kid wants cake.” I said softly.
“I’m so sorry sir, I do wish I could help.” I slapped the box down in frustration, and looked back at her.
“Fine, I’ll just put it back, thanks a lot, you did a good deed.” I said walking away from her as she looked down. “Emma go wait in the car I’ll be there.” She nodded and went outside. I walked back to the back of the store and looked around, I then slowly slipped the box in my inside jack pocket. I straighten up and slowly walked out the store. I saw Emma sitting in the back looking down, I opened the door and went in.
“Sorry Chase, Its okay I don’t want cake anymore.”
“Oh really, darn I guess I’ll just put this back.” I said sarcastically taking it out of my jacket, and opening the door to leave.
“No no.” She said smiling. “How did you get it.” I handed it to her.
“Well I got the lady to changed her mind.”
“Thanks.” She hugged the box and I began to drive.
I don’t know why people always had have to follow the rules, its not like a cop is always over your shoulder, sometimes it okay to let things slide. This world is greedy for money and wouldn’t even give you something if you were 5 cents short.
_______
I ran my fingers in Emma’s hair as she slept in her bed. Two empty plates were beside her bed with cake crumbs in it. I got up and went into the kitchen, there were bowls of cake mix and flour all over the counter. I walked to the sink to begin to wash the dishes and the front door opened.
“Oh, hi Will.” My mom said closing the door.
“I thought you were staying out late tonight.”
“Well, um there was a change of plans.” She said smiling as a guy came in afterwards. “Um Dan this is William, Will this is-”
“Stop mom what the fuck.” I said madly looking at her.
“Excuse me, don’t talk to me like that.”
“You cant for one night go fuck somewhere else, like a hotel or..his house!.”
“Im so sorry about this.” She said to Dan
“What is he to fucking cheap to bring you to a hotel? or wait, he cant bring you to his house because his wife is still up waiting for him!.”
“This is my house god dammit, don’t try to run me out!.”
“But..” I lowered my voice. “Emma is sleeping.”
“We wont be loud.” She said seriously and I just stared at her in disgust. “And clean up this place its a mess.” She took Dan’s hand and walked to her room. I clenched my fist and walked to Emmas room and lift her up.
“Chase?” She said tiredly.
“Hold on Emma ism gonna take you to my room.” I carried her to my room and closed the door. “I’m gonna play music okay? you think you can sleep while hearing music?”
“If its calming.”She said laughing. I smiled and searched Coldplay on youtube and played Yellow. I turned it up and pulled the covers over her. I then sat down and waited for her to fall back asleep. The walls shaked and I could faintly hear the moans from my mothers room. I bit my lip hard, how I hated how she didn’t give two shits about anyone besides herself. I layed down next to Emma until I fell asleep.
_______
“William can you please hand these out.” My teacher Mrs. Brigham said.
“Sure.” I stood up and took her papers, she was an huge obese lazy bitch, she never did anything. All she did was teach while sitting down she always asked me to hand papers out because she enjoyed bothering me. I didn’t mind, it wasn’t like i did much in class anyways. I stood up and passed them out one by one. I never really enjoyed school it was no point. we work hard for 12 years to just go to college and get a job which we will be working for the rest of our lives. Its like we never get a break, whats the point in having a good job, work is work and its time consuming and besides most people hate their jobs. After class I don’t even rush to my next one, I take my sweet time, I walked by this guy name Matt, I been in a fight twice with him. Almost got expel the second time for breaking his nose on school property. What I mean is I did damage to school property, they didn’t give a damn if his nose was broken. He gave me a look and then looked away, I been in to many fights I cant remember.
“Ay yo Chase.” I looked up and saw Brandon and Vinny
walking towards me, they were the only people I interacted with in my school and thats because we share the same interest in music.
“What up guys.”
“You never messaged me back.” Brandon said and I just looked at him confused.
“About the band.” Vinny finished, “You were gonna send us the riff you made.”
“Oh, my bad guys I forgot.”
“Ah your fucking up your fucking up.” Brandon said messing up my hair.
“Alright I’ll do it later.”
I was suppose to join their band that they were forming, call Helen’s Grave. I thought the name was corny, but they were only hiring me as their lead guitarist. Besides talking to them I pretty much didn’t do anything in school, it was just a place I went to…just to go. After school I drove to Emmas school to pick her up like I usually did.
“Um someone already picked her up.”
“What do you mean someone already picked her up, who?”
“Um His name was Jack Johnson, he left 10 minutes ago, I got approval from the her mother cell which was given on the emergency card you…” Her voice trailed off as I walked away. Later I drove up to my house and saw a van in the driveway full of people. I got out slowly while the people in the van stared at me, it was Jacks kid, a boy that was a year younger than me and a teenage daughter and a little boy, I then turned and saw Jack coming out with Emma holding his hand.
“Ah William.”
“Its Chase.” I said looking at Emma.
“…Chase.” He said laughing. “Well ‘Chase’ I’m taking Emma for the week, I told your mother already.”
“Alright, gimme a hug.” I keeled down and Emma hugged me tightly.
“I’ll bring her back next Monday.”
“Okay, be good Em.” I said standing back up and she nodded, Jack smiled at me and walked back to his car.
“Hi Chase.” His teenage daughter said smiling flirtatiously through the window. I stared for a while and then slightly waved. Soon after the car back up out of the driveway and droved away. Its not that I hated Jack, he was man enough to except responsibility for Emma, and I don’t blame him for leaving my mom, she only used him for his money, that’s why she has those boobs in the first place. There was just something about him, how he seen me as a joke. I don’t know what I would do when Jack gets custody of Emma, I will have nothing to live for, I know I would hardly see her because his family wants nothing to do with me. That’s why I don’t take life seriously, one day for sure I’m going to die, and it will be from my doing.
______
I was never one to be suicidal, I never had suicidal thoughts before, even when times were really bad. Like when my mom used to drink when she was pregnant with Emma and how I use to yell out her for being so selfish. It just clicks that this thing we call earth, is just not what it seems. I don’t really have big dreams,…I don’t dream BIG, I don’t want to do anything. I also don’t want to spend my life as a vegetable, sitting around watching TV until I’m big enough t explode. I do believe in reincarnation, maybe I can died and come back as someone greater, and theirs a saying that when someone dies another is born. I can give my life to someone who would have more meaning for theirs.
Even though I intend of ending my life, there is a few things I want to do before I do so. Nothing I have off the top of my head, and I don’t want to make a list where I check off one by one. I wanted them to be out of the blue and in the moment sort of thing. I wanted to break all the rules, since I was going to die anyways. I sat in my room thinking, just staring at the ceiling, I couldn’t sleep. I then heard the door slam, I got up slowly and walked to the kitchen, my mom was leaning over the counter and she looked up at me.
“Hey Williams.” She stood crookily in her heels.
“Its 3 in the morning.”
“Yeah, time flies doesn’t it.” I just stared at her as she walked to the fridge.
“Jack picked up Emma today.”
“Oh, yeah I know, did his wife come too?”
“No just the kids.” I leaned against the wall.
“That bastard never brings her over here, what is the place to filthy for her taste?”
She drank milk from the jug. “He can go to hell, both of them.”
“Are you drunk?”
“No, why do you say that.” She reached for a bag of chips from the top of the fridge.
“That’s Emma’s lunch.”
“Well shes gonna be gone for a week now isn’t she.” She said rudely opening the bag and munching away at it. She then walked over sloppy towards me, and stared in my face, she smelled strong of alcohol, she then touched my hair with her chips crumbed fingers. “Your such an attractive boy Willy, so attractive, you look just like your father” She paused. “So good looking, why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend huh?”
“Mom stop.” I backed away.
“I’m serious, if your not doing nothing with your life, why not get a girl friend, are you gay?”
“You know I’m not gay.”
“You must be gay, and that’s alright, you can bring home a guy if you want.” She laughed walking back to the counter, “Are you a virgin Will?”
“That’s none of your business.” I said sternly, she was disgusting me.
“Well I never seen you-”
“I don’t put all my shit out in the open like you mom.” She laughed and before she can say something, she leaned over the sink and started to throw up. I shook my head and walked to the closet.
“Where are you going.” She said wiping her mouth.
“Out.” I grabbed my jacket and closed the door. When Emma wasn’t home, there was no point of being home, especially when she was there, I went into my car and droved away. I had to find something to do to pass the time, I drove more downtown and saw a 24/7 bar opened. I parked and came out, music was blasting loudly, many people was dancing and drinking. I walked straight to the bar and ordered. I don’t really drink, but it was there so why not, I don’t really have a social life, I do whatever comes up. This club wasn’t so bad, maybe I should come here more often.
“Hey.” I turned around and saw a red hair girl smiling at me.
“Hi…”
“I’m Amber, whats your name?” I looked at her, she smelled like sex, Her eyes looked inviting, even though I wasn’t in the mood, she was there.
“Um Chase.” I drank my drink.
“May I joined you Chase?”
“Free country.” I shrugged and she sat down smiling.
” never seen you around here before”
“I don’t do much.”
“Oh.” I watched as she opened her legs a bit further to reveal she didn’t have any underwear on. Like I was suppose to find that sexy, I found it quite disgusting, but like I said, she was there. “You doing anything tonight?” She bit her lip and look me up and down.
“Not that I recall.” I answered and she smiled harder.
____________
I pushed the door to a motel open and she walked in before me, she threw her bag on the chair and unzipped her jacket.
“I want you to give it to me hard.” She said wrapping her arms around my neck. I then watched as she slowly backed up unto the bed and laid down. She was then slowly removing her skirt. When my mom asked me if I was a virgin, truth is that I’m not, I only slept with one girl though. It was freshmen year and it was at a house party. I’m a senior now and all this time I manage to go without sex. Even a guy with the most fucked up childhood has sex on the brain 24/7. I guess when you see and hear your mom doing a million of men a month you kind of keep away from the same actions. The disturbing images and noises that you don’t want to hear again, even if its not from her. The memories pierce my brain like a thin sterile needle.
“You coming over big boy or what?” She was fully naked now, legs spread. She couldn’t wait until I took my clothes off, since I was moving so slow. She stood up and threw me on the bed. I watched as she smiled and teared my close off, she struggled to get my pants off and I didn’t help her. If she wanted it, she should work for it. I have to admit suddenly feeling the warmth of her mouth around my private area I started getting turn on. I didn’t even have a rubber, I didn’t prepare for these things because I never went out pursuing them, I guess that’s why my mom figured I was gay. She has no idea who I am and who was she to think of anything when she was hardly home. She then walked to her purse and pulled one out like a well train whore. Soon shortly after she came on top of me and took control.
I just watched as she follick around, wiping her hair everywhere, I turned her over and decided to take control which drove her crazy. There in that moment I realized what I wanted to do before I actually killed myself. This was the second woman I slept with, my goal was to sleep with how much women before I died. I would use rubbers of course, but I figured why not, I don’t know what death offers me or If I’m ever going to get the privilege to have sex again. I wanted to become a man whore and do a much woman as I possibly can, with no feelings or personal attachments behind it.
___________
I walked to my car and got in, it was 5:00 am now, , we didn’t even talk after that and it should stay that way. When we were done, she pecked me on the lips and quickly got dress and left. I’m starting to think more and more that many females are just like my mom, and the good ones were rare. The good girls were either whores to religion or school. Ones who wanted to do shit with their lives and cared about getting degrees. I figured we should settle with whats in front of us, if the girl is a whore let her be. I opened the front door and saw my mom on the floor.
“Mom.” I ran to her and she murmured something, I turned her over and she had drool coming from her mouth. “Mom get up.”
“Charlie?”
“No Its Chase.”
“Chase?”
“Will..” I helped her to her feet and walked her to her room.
“Oh Will, oh my son.” She laughed and I seated her on her bed.
“Get some rest.” I said as she smiled laying back in her bed.
“Help your mother out would you.” She lift her legs motioning me to help unstrap her heel buckles, I took her shoes off and punched her legs more unto her bed. “Your such a good son Willy.” She murmured closing her eyes. “So good.” I covered her with her sheets and walked out. I don’t typically hate my mom, I’m just not close to her, I feel like me and Emma didn’t do anything for her, like how some babies are suppose to turn your life around. We were just like teo new things for her to own, but not take any responsibility. I turned off the kitchen lights and walked into the shower, I let the water take me over as I thought about what had just happened.
********
Just another idea I had, I wont be updated this story as much as my other but I wanted to get these ideas down on paper. Hope you like it too.
